From Control to Connection: Why “Let Them” by Mel Robbins Isn’t Enough

​It’s catchy, right?

Let them be upset. Let them walk away. Let them deal with it.

Mel Robbins’ "Let Them" theory has spread like wildfire across social media. The core idea is that we waste too much energy trying to control how others feel, think, or behave—and that freedom lies in letting go of that control. I get it. The message sounds like liberation.

But here’s the problem: when it comes to families—especially those navigating trauma, addiction, or emotional dysregulation—the "Let Them" mantra can become a justification for disconnection.

When "Let Them" Works (Sort Of)

I’ll give credit where it’s due. Robbins is pointing to something important: we can’t fix people. We can’t manage their emotions, micromanage their choices, or force growth. And trying to do so often leaves us depleted and resentful.

In that sense, yes:

Let them feel disappointed.

Let them sit in the consequence of a choice.

Let them experience the discomfort that drives growth.

Parents I work with often need permission to stop rescuing. To stop making excuses. To stop absorbing the emotional chaos of their child in crisis. But here’s the difference between me and Mel:

I don’t believe letting go means letting go of the relationship.

Where "Let Them" Falls Short

What Robbins doesn’t account for is the relational system—and in families, systems matter more than slogans.

When you "let them" without a framework for staying emotionally present and connected, you risk:

• Enabling avoidant patterns
• Triggering abandonment wounds
• Reinforcing shame narratives
• Escalating behaviors driven by unmet emotional needs

I once coached a mother whose 20-year-old son was spiraling into heavy substance use. She was told by friends to just "let him figure it out." So she pulled back, stopped calling, and hoped distance would teach him something.

It did. It taught him that no one cared.

That’s not healing. That’s trauma reenactment.

Boundaries Aren’t Barricades

The Family WellthCare™ model I use with parents is rooted in trauma-informed coaching, attachment theory, and systems thinking. We absolutely talk about boundaries—but we define them as clarity plus compassion.

Not walls. Not ultimatums. Not cold silence.

A boundary sounds like:

• "I love you. I’m here for you. And I’m not going to engage when you’re yelling at me."
• "You have every right to make your own choices. And I have the right to protect my peace."
• "I'm not abandoning you. I’m giving you space and I’ll still check in next week."

From "Let Them" to "Lead With"

Instead of "Let Them," I offer this alternative: Lead With.

Lead with curiosity: What is this behavior trying to protect?
Lead with clarity: What am I responsible for—and what am I not?
Lead with consistency: How can I stay present without enabling?
Lead with compassion: How can I hold space for this person’s pain while also honoring my own?

"Let Them" is too binary. Lead With invites nuance. And families in crisis need nuance like plants need sunlight.

Nervous Systems Are Contagious

Here’s what Robbins doesn’t mention: co-regulation. The idea that our nervous systems sync up with those around us. If your loved one is dysregulated, detached, or distressed, your calm presence can be more regulating than any boundary.

That doesn’t mean becoming their emotional life raft. It means becoming the shoreline.

Not jumping into their waves—but being visible, steady, and safe.

The Danger of Pop Psychology in Trauma-Laden Homes

Mel Robbins speaks to high-functioning adults navigating difficult conversations, mismatched expectations, or emotional labor in their relationships. Her advice may work in those settings.

But in homes with addiction, depression, emotional neglect, or untreated trauma? Her message risks doing more harm than good.

Because the moment you "let them go," the person you love may believe they were never worth holding onto.

A More Loving, Long-Term Strategy

Instead of outsourcing peace to distance, build it through presence. Here’s how:

1. Use Boundaries to Invite Repair
Set limits and leave the door open. Say: "When you're ready to talk respectfully, I'm here."

2. Stay Rooted in Your Values
Let your boundaries reflect what matters to you most: love, dignity, connection, honesty.

3. Practice the Pause
Take 90 seconds to breathe before reacting. This interrupts generational reactivity.

4. Learn Their Language
Try to understand the emotional logic behind their behavior. Most symptoms are survival strategies.

5. Offer a Clear Path Back
Tell your loved one how they can reconnect, rebuild trust, and repair ruptures. Don’t just tell them what not to do.

Final Thought: Let Them Know You’re Still Here

You don’t have to fix them.
But please don’t vanish.

You don’t have to carry their pain.
But don’t pretend their pain doesn’t matter.

You don’t have to rescue anyone.
But do remain a lighthouse.

Because real change doesn’t happen in isolation.
It happens in relationship.

📣 Ready to lead your family through change, not crisis?

Let’s talk. I help families build emotional wealth, not just survive the storm. Schedule a free consultation here.