Family Enabling, Rescuing, Controlling & Detaching
en·a·ble
enˈāb(ə)l,inˈāb(ə)l/
verb
give (someone or something) the authority or means to do something.
"family coaching would enable us to become our loved ones best chance at recovery"
synonyms: allow, permit, let, give the means, equip, empower, make able, fit;
make possible, facilitate;
authorize, entitle, qualify;
formal capacitate
"the family will enable you to find your way to recovery"
Enabling is a term with a double meaning in psychotherapy and mental health.
Positive Use
As a positive term, "enabling" is similar to empowerment, and describes patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow. These patterns may be on any scale, for example within the family, or in wider society as "enabling acts" designed to empower some group, or create a new authority for a (usually governmental) body.
Ex. of the positive enabling of a loved one
Negative Use
In a negative context, "enabling" refers to dysfunctional approaches aimed at resolving a specific problem, but they often end up perpetuating or worsening the problem. A common thread in this type of enabling is when individuals, typically with good intentions, fear, or insecurity that prevents them from taking action, assume responsibility or make accommodations for someone's harmful behavior. Consequently, the person engaging in harmful conduct is shielded from recognizing the harm it causes and from feeling the need or pressure to change. This form of enabling plays a significant role in sustaining the cycle of addiction.
Ex. of negative enabling of a loved one
enˈāb(ə)l,inˈāb(ə)l/
verb
give (someone or something) the authority or means to do something.
"family coaching would enable us to become our loved ones best chance at recovery"
synonyms: allow, permit, let, give the means, equip, empower, make able, fit;
make possible, facilitate;
authorize, entitle, qualify;
formal capacitate
"the family will enable you to find your way to recovery"
Enabling is a term with a double meaning in psychotherapy and mental health.
Positive Use
As a positive term, "enabling" is similar to empowerment, and describes patterns of interaction which allow individuals to develop and grow. These patterns may be on any scale, for example within the family, or in wider society as "enabling acts" designed to empower some group, or create a new authority for a (usually governmental) body.
Ex. of the positive enabling of a loved one
- staying on point/being brief
- being positive
- referring to specific behaviors
- labeling your feelings
- offering a statement of understanding
- accepting partial responsibility
- offering to help
- taking care of yourself
Negative Use
In a negative context, "enabling" refers to dysfunctional approaches aimed at resolving a specific problem, but they often end up perpetuating or worsening the problem. A common thread in this type of enabling is when individuals, typically with good intentions, fear, or insecurity that prevents them from taking action, assume responsibility or make accommodations for someone's harmful behavior. Consequently, the person engaging in harmful conduct is shielded from recognizing the harm it causes and from feeling the need or pressure to change. This form of enabling plays a significant role in sustaining the cycle of addiction.
Ex. of negative enabling of a loved one
- calling in sick to work (making excuses)
- providing funds to purchase drugs
- driving loved one to purchase drugs
- not looking at own maladaptive coping strategies
- using drugs with your loved one
- bargaining
- minimizing
- blaming, criticizing, lecturing
- feeling superior
- enduring
- keeping feelings inside
res·cue
ˈreskyo͞o/
verb
save (someone) from a dangerous or distressing situation.
"firemen were called out to rescue a man trapped in the river"
synonyms: save, save from danger, save the life of, come to the aid of;
free, set free, release, liberate
"an attempt to rescue the hostages"
informal
keep from being lost or abandoned; retrieve.
"he got out of his chair to rescue his cup of coffee"
synonyms: retrieve, recover, salvage, get back
"Boyd rescued his brother from the bully"
Rescuing the loved one is exactly what we are compelled to do and natural but the real key is HOW we rescue. Of course we want to save our loved one from a dangerous or distressing situation. We want to come to the aid of our loved one. It's totally normal to want to keep our child from being lost and to liberate them from the experience of addiction.
I would argue that it's not a matter of do we rescue but rather how we rescue!
Negative use of rescuing
Excerpt From: Melody Beattie. “The New Codependency.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/muuVw.l
Positive Use of Rescuing
ˈreskyo͞o/
verb
save (someone) from a dangerous or distressing situation.
"firemen were called out to rescue a man trapped in the river"
synonyms: save, save from danger, save the life of, come to the aid of;
free, set free, release, liberate
"an attempt to rescue the hostages"
informal
keep from being lost or abandoned; retrieve.
"he got out of his chair to rescue his cup of coffee"
synonyms: retrieve, recover, salvage, get back
"Boyd rescued his brother from the bully"
Rescuing the loved one is exactly what we are compelled to do and natural but the real key is HOW we rescue. Of course we want to save our loved one from a dangerous or distressing situation. We want to come to the aid of our loved one. It's totally normal to want to keep our child from being lost and to liberate them from the experience of addiction.
I would argue that it's not a matter of do we rescue but rather how we rescue!
Negative use of rescuing
- doing what isn’t our responsibility and what we don’t want to do.
- doing what people are capable of doing—and need to do—for themselves.
- meeting people’s needs without them asking us for help.
- getting involved in what isn’t our business.
- doing more than our share when someone asks us to help.
- forcing our help on people, when they don’t want it.
- giving more than we receive instead of mutual giving.
- taking care of people’s feelings or problems; neglecting our own.
- facing people’s consequences so they can avoid them.
- speaking for people and not letting them speak for themselves.
- pouring more interest into joint efforts than the other person does.
- not saying what we need.
- taking care of others’ feelings as a substitute for taking care of our own emotions or unresolved issues.
- giving that attaches ourselves to others—needy giving.
- making excuses for others, but not understanding ourselves.
- not standing up for our rights, but advocating for other people.
- not getting paid what we’re worth.
- compulsively caretaking and not knowing how or when to stop.
Excerpt From: Melody Beattie. “The New Codependency.” iBooks. https://itun.es/us/muuVw.l
Positive Use of Rescuing
- rescue yourself
- go inward and meet you where you're at
- be a loving mirror
- help people help themselves
con·trol
kənˈtrōl/Submit
verb
determine the behavior or supervise the running of.
"the mother appointed herself as their loved one's recovery manager"
synonyms: be in charge of, run, manage, direct, administer, head, preside over, supervise, superintend, steer; command, rule, govern, lead, dominate, hold sway over, be at the helm; informal head up, be in the driver's seat, run the show
"one family had controlled the company since its formation"
maintain influence or authority over.
"you shouldn't have kids if you can't control them"
limit the level, intensity, or numbers of.
"he had to control his temper"
synonyms: restrain, keep in check, curb, check, contain, hold back, bridle, rein in, suppress, repress, master More
remain calm and reasonable despite provocation.
"he made an effort to control himself"
(of a drug) restricted by law with respect to use and possession.
adjective: controlled
"a sentence for possessing controlled substances"
Control is the thing that family members struggle with a lot. What I like to suggest is to simply put yourself in the shoes of the loved one and ask yourself if you want to be managed, directed, administered, presided over, supervised, commanded, ruled, governed, dominated, restrained, kept in check, contained, held back, bridled, reined in, suppressed, or mastered. What is interesting about these words is that they could be used to describe the outcome of addiction. So if addiction is already controlling them, why do we want to add more control? What they need is advocacy, and positive reinforcement.
As an example, when you are setting your boundaries, I suggest we always say that the purpose of taking away something, say the privilege of driving, is not an attempt to control or punish but rather to highlight a persons ability to make choices. One of the most important tenants of any recovery is remembering that you are always at choice, even if it doesn't feel like it.
kənˈtrōl/Submit
verb
determine the behavior or supervise the running of.
"the mother appointed herself as their loved one's recovery manager"
synonyms: be in charge of, run, manage, direct, administer, head, preside over, supervise, superintend, steer; command, rule, govern, lead, dominate, hold sway over, be at the helm; informal head up, be in the driver's seat, run the show
"one family had controlled the company since its formation"
maintain influence or authority over.
"you shouldn't have kids if you can't control them"
limit the level, intensity, or numbers of.
"he had to control his temper"
synonyms: restrain, keep in check, curb, check, contain, hold back, bridle, rein in, suppress, repress, master More
remain calm and reasonable despite provocation.
"he made an effort to control himself"
(of a drug) restricted by law with respect to use and possession.
adjective: controlled
"a sentence for possessing controlled substances"
Control is the thing that family members struggle with a lot. What I like to suggest is to simply put yourself in the shoes of the loved one and ask yourself if you want to be managed, directed, administered, presided over, supervised, commanded, ruled, governed, dominated, restrained, kept in check, contained, held back, bridled, reined in, suppressed, or mastered. What is interesting about these words is that they could be used to describe the outcome of addiction. So if addiction is already controlling them, why do we want to add more control? What they need is advocacy, and positive reinforcement.
As an example, when you are setting your boundaries, I suggest we always say that the purpose of taking away something, say the privilege of driving, is not an attempt to control or punish but rather to highlight a persons ability to make choices. One of the most important tenants of any recovery is remembering that you are always at choice, even if it doesn't feel like it.
Detaching with Love & Openheartedness by Hilary Jacobs Hendel
My teenagers' dark and surly moods, my husband's anxiety, my mother's rare show of displeasure, and my father's anger and frugality, all had great power to destroy my peace of mind. That's why years ago when I picked up a sheet of paper at a meeting entitled "Detaching with Love," it spoke to me.
The balance between cutting off our connection to others so we aren't affected by them at all or being so affected by others that we lose ourselves to anxiety, irritability, and muscular tension is a tricky one. Detaching with love seemed like the middle ground. I wanted to work on myself to be able to, for example, care about my kids without doing things for them that they didn't ask me to do just because I had anxiety or a need to control things.
As my self-awareness grew, I came to more easily recognize the sudden state-change I experienced in response to others like, for example, moving from a relaxed and happy state to an uptight and controlling state. I noticed I had opposite impulses, sometimes wanting to storm away or withdraw in anger while at other times I felt compelled to "fix" someone's feelings even though they did not invite me to do so.
Getting really honest with myself, I realized I did many things for my own comfort, not out of love as I had been previously telling myself. I came to see that my need for control or to feel less tense/anxious/alone had overruled my ability to be loving, supportive, and respectful of some people's boundaries. In short, I wanted those I loved to change for my benefit.
The desire to change someone, so we feel better, is understandable. We all do it. But it doesn't really work. "Detaching with Love" is a set of guidelines for acceptingpeople where they are even when their moods, actions, and decisions cause us pain. Doing the personal work to uphold these principles allows us to better support and honor ourselves and those we love. I rely on the Change Triangle to get me into the state where I can detach with love.
The ChangeTriangle, the emotional health tool I am passionate about sharing, has proved incredibly useful and complementary to the process of detaching with love. I might find myself wanting to defend against certain emotions, like fear or anger for example, instead of processing them. Using the Change Triangle as a guide, I can more reliably find my Cs -- my calm, my compassion, my felt connection, my curiosity, and my courage. It helps me deal better with my emotions and defenses. I do not want to behave in unhelpful or unboundaried ways. When I curb my impulse to "get involved," emotions like fear, anger, anxiety, guilt, and sadness often arise, I use the Change Triangle to find my way back to the Cs. It's where openheartedness is possible.
What is Openheartedness?
Openheartedness is a calm and thoughtful state. In this state, we can feel our emotions (without acting on them), deal with our emotions in constructive ways (which sometimes means doing nothing), and stay positively connected with our loved ones, all at the same time.
Detaching with love and openheartedness means holding onto our loving connection and emotional complexity as we detach in the ways suggested below.
How to Detach with Love and Openheartedness
Detaching with love and openheartedness* is a particularly useful concept for parents. I have a printout of these guidelines on my bulletin board so I can re-read them as often as I need.
Here are the guidelines:
https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/detaching-with-love-and-openheartedness
The balance between cutting off our connection to others so we aren't affected by them at all or being so affected by others that we lose ourselves to anxiety, irritability, and muscular tension is a tricky one. Detaching with love seemed like the middle ground. I wanted to work on myself to be able to, for example, care about my kids without doing things for them that they didn't ask me to do just because I had anxiety or a need to control things.
As my self-awareness grew, I came to more easily recognize the sudden state-change I experienced in response to others like, for example, moving from a relaxed and happy state to an uptight and controlling state. I noticed I had opposite impulses, sometimes wanting to storm away or withdraw in anger while at other times I felt compelled to "fix" someone's feelings even though they did not invite me to do so.
Getting really honest with myself, I realized I did many things for my own comfort, not out of love as I had been previously telling myself. I came to see that my need for control or to feel less tense/anxious/alone had overruled my ability to be loving, supportive, and respectful of some people's boundaries. In short, I wanted those I loved to change for my benefit.
The desire to change someone, so we feel better, is understandable. We all do it. But it doesn't really work. "Detaching with Love" is a set of guidelines for acceptingpeople where they are even when their moods, actions, and decisions cause us pain. Doing the personal work to uphold these principles allows us to better support and honor ourselves and those we love. I rely on the Change Triangle to get me into the state where I can detach with love.
The ChangeTriangle, the emotional health tool I am passionate about sharing, has proved incredibly useful and complementary to the process of detaching with love. I might find myself wanting to defend against certain emotions, like fear or anger for example, instead of processing them. Using the Change Triangle as a guide, I can more reliably find my Cs -- my calm, my compassion, my felt connection, my curiosity, and my courage. It helps me deal better with my emotions and defenses. I do not want to behave in unhelpful or unboundaried ways. When I curb my impulse to "get involved," emotions like fear, anger, anxiety, guilt, and sadness often arise, I use the Change Triangle to find my way back to the Cs. It's where openheartedness is possible.
What is Openheartedness?
Openheartedness is a calm and thoughtful state. In this state, we can feel our emotions (without acting on them), deal with our emotions in constructive ways (which sometimes means doing nothing), and stay positively connected with our loved ones, all at the same time.
Detaching with love and openheartedness means holding onto our loving connection and emotional complexity as we detach in the ways suggested below.
How to Detach with Love and Openheartedness
Detaching with love and openheartedness* is a particularly useful concept for parents. I have a printout of these guidelines on my bulletin board so I can re-read them as often as I need.
Here are the guidelines:
- Detachment does not mean I stop caring, it means I understand that it’s not helpful to do it for someone else.
- Detachment does not mean I must cut myself off from another person. It means I cannot control another person.
- Detachment means I should not sanction destructive behaviors, but rather to allow learning to come from natural consequences.
- Detachment is to admit powerlessness which means that the outcome is not in my hands.
- Detachment means I should not try to change or blame another, but instead make the most and best of myself.
- Detachment is not to care for, but to care about.
- Detachment means I will not try to fix another person’s life but that I will be supportive of all positive change.
- Detachment means that I will not burden another with my expectations of what I want them to be, but that I will accept them for the human beings they are.
- Detachment means I will not place myself in the middle, trying to arrange the outcome for others, but that I will allow others to affect their own destiny.
- Detachment means that I will not protect, but that I will permit another to face reality.
- Detachment means that I will not nag, scold, or argue with another, but that I will search out my own shortcomings and attempt to correct them.
- Detachment means I will not criticize and try to regulate another, but that I will try to become what I dream I can be.
- Detachment means that I will not try to adjust the world to my desires, but that I will accept each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
- Detachment is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for today, one day at a time.
- Detachment is not to deny but to accept.
- Detachment is to love more and fear less.
https://www.pacesconnection.com/blog/detaching-with-love-and-openheartedness
